All Is Not Fair In Love & Dodgeball

“The mouth of a cannon is safer than the mouth of a woman scorned” Anon

Women famously use their heartbreak for artistic fodder and gain Etta crooned that she would rather go blind than see her man with another. PJ questioned "Who the Fuck?" while dancing drunk in her underwear. This petite bad ass was proclaiming “Get out of here, man”. Liz Phair trashes every dude from her past in Guyville. A winning favorite of mine is “6’1”

It's cold out there
And rough

And I kept standing six-feet-one
Instead of five-feet-two
And I loved my life
And I hated you

Aimee Mann’s wrath are usually found in her song titles such as “I’m With Stupid”, “Save Me”, & “That’s Just What You Are”.

She is famous for skewering her exs - real & imagined. I randomly met the guy, sporting a Dad bod, who was the subject of “Amateur”. He was just a unassuming guitar player who did session work. He told me all these years later he still felt hurt. Words wound. The sharpest auteurs can slice one’s ego with one swift slice of the lyrical knife. She also had no time for a guy who wouldn't pick up the phone in front of her.

At least I know how to run

Of course the machine made baby girl, Taylor, has made a lucrative career of writing bubble gum pop songs about all those guys who did her wrong. John Mayer famously counter attacked with “Paper Doll”. I imagine him singing this with a sly fox smile.

You're like twenty-two girls in one
And none of them know what they're runnin' from
Was it just too far to fall?
For a little paper doll

This piece will examine the charming genre I just made up. "She Done Him Wrong" songs. There are always 2 sides to each story, so here we go.....

Ian, front man of The Stone Roses just wanted to be adored. Starting with a deep groove of a bass line, he goes on to say he doesn’t want to lose his soul but indeed

I want to, I want to, I want to be adored

He is particularly interested in a woman who plays the drums then in his mind is a waterfall. But the ennui starts to kick in and by by track 10 he is shooting it down and then remerging because after all he is the resurrection and the light. I could do a whole dissection of their debut album starting out with a cry for adulation and ending in break up, shaking it off and moving on.

The moving on part doesn't always come as easy to other dudes. Still half the battle is won by knowing what you want and sometimes what you don’t. The guys in Cake were jonesing for a sharp as a tack girl in a “Short Skirt and A Long Jacket.

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete, to cut through red tape.

What a killer lyric. I like to think the desire was the fire for a relationship because she sounds like she is hip.

The groovy Aussie kids of Jet question came to our attention by wailing “Are you gonna be my girl!” This always struck me not so much as a question but a declaration “when Honey when”. They fast flying guitar gives this song a boiling hormone based urgency. Again, I hope the blondie took the hint and went home with him. But what if it all went south? What if she stood him up? Kam of The Scientists growls "This Will Never Happen Again" with ardent fervor. She didn’t show up for a date. Yet, he is having none of that. No second or third or fourth chances. Sometimes you need to stand your ground and call her out across Australian radio waves.

Biz Markie thought he got lucky with a hottie until he showed up at his Bae's dorm room unannounced. Oh what a site to see when you catch your honey with another. You simply CAN’T unsee that.

You say he's just a friend

Come on!

Beck finally found his "Sun Eyed Girl" but then things weren't smoothly bopping along with this girlfriend. He got tired.

I'm tired of fighting

Fighting for a lost cause

The entire Sea Change album is perfect for a pity party Playlist on a rainy day. He did find love again but removed the ring. Now that Beck is firmly divorced, he bemoans the loss of the relationship with his Scientology obsessed (ex) wife on the song "Uneventful Days".

Found my way without you (no no no)
I know where we belong
(I don't wanna hurt you, I don't wanna hurt you)
Gonna leave me al-

Cheer up Beck. I hope you find love again. (and go back to your Odelay days)

Isacc Hayes found the girl of his dreams only to have heart busted. In his sultry, slow funkified rendition of "Walk On By", he is man enough to know he isn’t waiting around for her. It may be Dionne's song but Isacc creates a flaming, heartbreaking version. The flailing guitar feels like he is walking in a daze while shaking his head. Silently asking “Why didn't she love me like I loved her? I don’t need her pity Ain’t no way in hell I am going to deal with that. She can just shake her ass and walk on by.” Yeah Isacc. You deserve R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The Vines’ beautiful boy front man, Craig Nichols, puts some extra sass into his raucous guitar playing on “Get Free”. The little Prince of rebellion is obviously gutted when he finds out his princess didn't love him back. The pain shoots from his guitar as well voice as he is now aiming to "Get Free!!"

You never loved me

Why should anyone

Don’t be so hard on yourself Craig. I hope he found someone to take for a ride. (Check out the song “Ride”) instead of being taken for one.

It all boils down to that we all make mistakes when it comes to affairs of the heart. Pete and his Buzzcock bluntly posed the question "Ever fall in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with? " He also went on to skewer his ex with these piercing lyrics.

Oh shit, I guess this is where our love ends
Oh shit, I thought things were goin' well
But it hasn't turned out so swell, has it?

Admit your shit.

Admit it we’ve all wanted to say this to someone at one time or another.

I am a firm believer of letting sleeping exs lie. We really don’t need to keep in touch. In the wonderful power popping song “Thanks for Calling” by the magical duo that is Birdstreets. John Brodeur tells his ex-lover

So the next time you hook up
With an old friend
Keep it a secret, keep me in the dark

No need to rub it in ok, sister.

All songs on this “She Done Him Wrong” Playlist were performed before texting. Back before it was so easy to ghost someone behind the cracked screen of your mobile, one had to break someone’s heart by standing them up, the physical form of ghosting and OUCH. Also you could man or woman up (GASP) and tell them to their face. This was always risky if a temper is involved. Last, you could leave a message on their answering machine but that would be saved for all to listen to and straight up that was a coward move. Of course one could always do hide and avoid ala Matt Dylan in "Singles". His character, Cliff, does the “slink away” when Janet is coming toward him. If you have not seen the movie, please watch it. It’s full of relationship highs and lows plus many musical cameos of grunge bands. It was written by Cameron Crowe so there you go.

The last track of the playlist is a more recent one but it has that retro feel complete with some Jerry like lyrics and whammy jamming guitar playing. Philly’s own, Hawk Tubley, released a ballad of irony mixed with woe. You may have gotten your heart stomped on a few times, (hopefully not too many) but at least you put yourself out there and took a chance. This poor guy in “Ode” couldn't even get to his date because the bus was late. His love interest wouldn’t even give him another chance. Now he is stuck with a bouquet of roses. Damn. Please watch the well-designed video that is saturated in rich color. The young man’s expressions are priceless.

All is not fair in love and dodgeball. Ever get whacked in the leg with a ball flying at you at warped speed. Painful I know. But now it's time to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart, get out of those black clothes, pick up your guitar. You can do it. Now go write a blast of a jam full of angst mixed with disappointment. Own your feelings fellas. Your fellow broken-hearted fans are waiting to sympathize while singing along.

Also if you do happen to have a date for V Day, tulips are better than roses. Handmade cards go along way. Take a walk with your honey. Thai food restaurants will be less crowded that chi chi joints. Play your favorite songs and enjoy each other's presence. Ok now. Over and out!